Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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