are you still at the devil's house?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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