before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Holy sore nipples Batman
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
