Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
