I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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