Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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