Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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