Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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