u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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