I smell stomach acid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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