I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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