I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
