She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
