you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
