im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
