i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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