I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
