Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
