Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
