youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
