An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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