I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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