fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
