guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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