Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
