FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
