just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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