you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
