I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
