From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
