Have you finally orgasmed yet?
someone threw a dead crab at me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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