i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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