How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
