Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
