I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
