So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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