I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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