her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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