so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
