We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
