Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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