I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
