Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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