I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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