We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
