i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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