I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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