You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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