I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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