you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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