every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
