Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
