Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
