remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
