three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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