i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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