I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
