Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
