i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Houston, we have a blender
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
