seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
