I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
