I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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