I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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