What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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