i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
